There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said:
- I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk.
Our wasted friend asked:
- Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?
- Yeah, buddy, I'm sure - said the copper.
- Let's go.
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said:
- Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple.
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says "Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says:
- Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass.
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin:
- You know, you're right!
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
→ Snap-on tools!
Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
→ None of them have closets to come out of.
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
- I can lick any man in the place!
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
- Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?
Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
- Can I see it? - asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.
- Oooh - squealed his friend:
- You look ten years younger!
A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.
- I'm in love with my horse - he said.
- But that's nothing - replied the shrink:
- A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.
- Ah, but doctor - the patient replied:
- It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.
- Ahhh! - exclaimed the doc:
- What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?
- Female, of course - said the bloke:
- What do you think I am, a faggot!
Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked:
- Elton, what's that?
- That's a ferry-boat, George my love - answered Elton.
- Oooh! - Squealed George:
- I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy!
What's the difference between a whale and a dyke?
→ Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt.
What do you call two guys in a sleepping bag?
→ A gay time....
A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami.
- Would you like it sliced, sir? - the shopkeeper asked politely.
- What do you think I am? - replied the fag:
- ...a money box!
How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said:
- See that stud there, Bruce?
- Sure.
- Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!
- No shit? - Bruce asked.
- Well, hardly any.
What's a famous saying at a gay bar?
→ May I push in your stool.
How can you tell if your college roomate is gay?
→ His dick tastes like shit.
What do you call a gay bar that has no chairs?
→ A fruit stand.
Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don't have to swalow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.
How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
→ Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of a sudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tells the second, "Don't cum until I come back", and he rushes off to answer the door.
After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroom only to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. He says to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't going to cum until I came back." The second gay man says to the first, "I didn't cum, ........ I farted!"
How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
→ If you sit down before the other guy gets off.
4 gay guys walk into a bar.
There is only 1 4 legged stool left, how do they sit???
→ They turn it upsidedown.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
→ lick-a-lot-a-pus
