What is a computer's first sign of old age?
→ Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
→ Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
→ The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
→ It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
→ It was looking for a byte to eat.
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
- Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS
- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
- Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
- Because - my son explained:
- they say it has to have at least four characters.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
- Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said:
- How about 50 dollars?
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband:
- Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied:
- She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
- Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
- Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
- Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
- Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
- Bimbag - a blonde's purse
- Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
- Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
- Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
- Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent…
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked:
- Why not?
The stewardess replied:
- There are only three doors in here - she cried:
A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box. She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".
A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?
→ The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump. When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete. When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away. When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
- She called me to get my phone number.
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- She tried to drown a fish.
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
→ I don't know. Neither did he.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
- How did this happen? - the emergency room doctor asked her.
- Well, I was trying to commit suicide - the blonde replied.
- What? - sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?
- No, Silly! - the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.
- And then?
- Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.
- And then?
- Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to…
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says:
- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!
Did you hear about the blonde that...
- Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
- Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
- Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
- When asked what the capital of California was answered "C".
- Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
- After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.
The blonde throws up her money, and yells:
- God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.
- I hear sirens. Jump! - said the first one.
- But we're on the 13th floor! - said the second one.
- This is no time to be superstitious - the first one screamed back.
Two secretaries were talking about their work.
- I hate filing - said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them.
- I used to have that problem too, but no more - her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!
Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
→ To avoid the draft.
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
→ The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
→ She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
→ She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
→ You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
→ Tell them a joke on Friday night!
How do you describe the perfect blonde?
→ 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
→ He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear!
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
→ She opens the car door.
