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A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles. The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.

About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says:

- Did you ever sell your car?

- No - says the blonde.

- Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it.

WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
→ The noise gave her a headache.

WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
→ From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
→ She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
→ They don't know the route.

What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street?
→ Nothing. Do they exist?

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
→ Under "Home Improvements."

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

- Help, help! - yells one of the blondes.

- Help us, help us! - yells the other.

- Maybe it would help if we yelled together - said the first blonde.

- Good idea - said the other.

- Together, together!

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said:

- I've got to take a crap.

The other said:

- Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.

The first one said:

- But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass.

The other blonde replied:

- You have a dollar, don't you?

The first one said:

- Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!

Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?
→ They open on impact.

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted:

- Okay, pedestrians!

The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet!

How does a blonde have safe sex?
→ She locks the car door.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building. The brunette says "I bet u he will jump." The blonde says "ok". Later on he jumps. When the brunette is leaving she says "I can't take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o'clock news." The blonde says "I did too but i didn't think he would jump again."

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:

- What's the matter?

The Blonde replies:

- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The Blonde very calmly explains:

- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual.

- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks…

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.

- What do you mean?

- Well, everyone kept yelling:

- Get the quarter back!

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said:

- Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.

- We don't have any. - replied the first blonde.

- Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses.

- But officer - replied the second blonde.

- We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

- Well, I know of no law against it - said the warden.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says:

- I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.

The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her…

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says:

- Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?

She says:

- Why, officer?

- Because your breast is hanging out.

She looks down and says:

- OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some head." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

- Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

- I don't know!

- Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde couldn't be happier:

- It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

- Why are we so happy? - he asked.

- Honey, I have some really great news for you!

- Great, tell me what you're so happy about.

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.

- I'm pregnant! - she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said:

- Oh, honey there's more.

- What do you mean more?

- Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked.

- how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- Nothing is easier - he replied.

- You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.

- What sort of question?

- Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

- You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I…

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

- If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

- I'd have to say the living one.