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A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to the man:

- Sir, I believe you have a cataract.

- Oh, no - replied the Japanese man. I dwive a Rincon Continentaw.

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may…

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked:

- What are you up to there, Johhny?

- Well, my goldfish died - replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up - and I've just buried him.

The neighbour was concerned:

- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied...:

- That's because he's inside your cat!

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said:

- Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered:

- Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.

To the police officer, he then said:

- No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister:

- Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied:

- No, officer; I was not gambling.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks:

- Santa, will you stay with me?

Santa says:

- Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks:

- Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa says:

- Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..

"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

What do you call Magic Johnson on rollerblades?
→ ROLLAIDS!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.

- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.

- Sounds great - Morris replied.

- but how do you make it last for an hour?

- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

- Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive.

Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!

- Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?

- Like what?

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little…

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

- May I buy you a drink? - the man asks the lady.

- Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man - she responds.

- Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me - the man says shocked.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?

- No - she says calmly.

- What about when they cut off your..

- No - she says hesitantly.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? - the man asks.

- Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news - the doctor says.

- You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! - says the man.

- How long have I got?

- Ten - the doctor says sadly.

- Ten? - the man asks.

- Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

- Nine...

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and…

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy:

- You're in charge of sweeping.

To the Irishman he says:

- You're in charge of shovelling.

To the Chinese guy:

- You're in charge of supplies.

He then says:

- Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.

- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Some things I've learned from my children:

- Super glue is forever.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a…

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said:

- Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said:

- I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free.

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said:

- I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States.

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said:

- OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

- No - the inmate said.

- just get it over with.

- Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? - said the guard.

- You didn't even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought.

- Actually - he said.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:

- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed:

- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?

- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three…

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

- Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.

- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

How do you keep a idiot occupied?

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