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Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:

- How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!!

- How could you???!!!

- I can't believe this has happened!

- I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!

- How could you???

- Well, what have you got to say???

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again:

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said:

- Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says:

- Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says:

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:

- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

- The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

- The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

- You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"

- You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says:

- When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is…

Benign
→ What you be after you be eight.

Artery
→ The study of paintings.

Bacteria
→ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium
→ What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section
→ A neighborhood in Rome.

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked:

- Am I my brother's son?

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before…

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am - replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

- I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women - told…

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:

- I'd give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers:

- Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself:

- Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another…

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

- This is $200 - she says.

- I want one that's more sheer - says he.

- This one is $350.

- I want it even more sheer than that.

- This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.

- I'll take it!

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying:

- Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks:

- SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

- MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

- DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

- NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

- PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

- PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle…

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the "runs" over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my…

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

- Hit him again Doc, Hit him again! - the 5 yr. old said.

- He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

- It's really quite simple - the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

- So - he asked - any luck with your tomatoes?

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly:

- Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?

- Of course, my son - Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could…

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

- If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.

- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

- Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.

- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

- Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.

- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.

- ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.

- You have enough clothes.

- You have too many shoes.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said:

- What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?

The old man answered:

- Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot...

I was just wondering if you were my son!

Some actual product warning labels:

- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

- On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

- In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

- In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

- On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

- On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:

Children Books You Won't Eever See...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear:

- Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear:

- Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man…

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.