It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant:
- What are you charged with?
- Doing my Christmas shopping early sir - replied the defendant.
- Well that's not an crime - said the judge!
- How early were you doing this shopping?
- Before the store opened - answered the prisoner.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course…
Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...
- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!
- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.
- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead…
The real interpretation of corportate titles:
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD
- Leaps tall building in a single bound
- Is more powerful than a locomotive
- Is faster than a speeding bullet
- Walks on water
- Discusses policy with God
PRESIDENT
- Leaps short buildings in a single bound
- Is more powerful than a switch engine
If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...
There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.
- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.
- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?
- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.
The mushroom looks around and says again:
- C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone.
- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!
Finally the mushroom says to the bartender:
- Hey, c'mon man...
- I'm a Fun-gi!
Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...
- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
- You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
- You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
- When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
- When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
- You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
- You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that…
Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:
- Dial M for Monica
- Saving Clinton's Privates
- All the President's Women
- The Lying King
- Free Willy
- Terms of Impeachment
- Driving Miss Monica
- Independent Counsel Day
- The Six Commandments
When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."
What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
→ Mugs bunny!
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
- I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
- I'm a cop - says the first man.
- Then we will shoot your penis off! - said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
- I'm a firemen - said the second man.
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:
- how many women have you slept with?
- Baby - he protested:
- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:
- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.
Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!
Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
→ Because he went to the hormonica!
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:
- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?
- Ever go fishing? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.
- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added:
- Ever catch all the fish?
Why didn't the monster make the football team?
→ Because he threw like a ghoul!
This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.
Beware of...
- THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
- THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
- THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
- THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)
- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:
- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!
- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:
- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his…
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
- I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. - He said.
- The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor said.
- Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nodded:
- I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.
- From hunger, you mean?
- No, from skipping!
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree:
- Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said:
- I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now.
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.
The egg looks at the chicken and says:
- Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!
There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.
The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.
The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.
And the husband replied:
- no need...
- I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!
