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You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water. There now.....feeling better???

As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son:

- How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said:

- Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God:

- Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware:

- I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank:

- We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

- Mommy, what happened to him? - the little boy asked.

- He died and went to heaven - she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said:

- And God threw him back down?

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. - Oh, it's alright. - said the storekeeper.

- I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.

- But, - added the florist.

- I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. - Well, what did it say? - ask the storekeeper. - 'Congratulations on your new location'. - was the reply.

Monday

- 8:00 Husseinfeld

- 8:30 Mad About Everything

- 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

- 9:30 Allah McBeal

Tuesday

- 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

- 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

- 9:30 No-witness News

Wednesday

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

- Dont use any punctuation in your emails

- Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?

- Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow…

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

The Man's Guide To Female English

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk = I need to complain

- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him:

- Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie replied:

- Driving to Chicago!

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks:

- Well Charlie, how are you doing?

Charlie says:

- I just got into Chicago.

- Great - replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks:

What do Chinese people name their retarded children?
→ Som Ting Wong

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! - he cried out.

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

- Never mind - he said with a hiccup.

- I got in the back seat by mistake!

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

- This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

- I will not carve gods.

- I will not spank others.

- I will not aim for the head.

- I will not barf unless I'm sick.

- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

- I will not conduct my own fire drills.

- Funny noises are not funny.

- I will not snap bras.

- I will not fake seizures.

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

- Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back.

- Well let me take a look.

When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.

- This is amazing.

- What is it doctor?

- I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

- Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal - he starts writing in his notebook.

- But I'm not a Giants fan - the little hero replied.

- Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. - said the reporter and starts again.

- Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack - he continued writing in his notebook.

- I'm not a Jets fan either - the boy said.

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they…

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

One day, a man complained to his friend:

- My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

Bumper stickers seen this weekend .....

- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

- I have the body of a god........ Buddha.

- This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

- Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

- The face is familiar but i can't quite remember my name.

- Illiterate? Write for help.

- Honk if anything falls off.

- He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

- This isn't my idea of a good time.

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said:

- ... But they'll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it...

- In the name of the Father, The Son... Amen

The priest said:

- What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied:

- Its outside taking care of my bike!

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.

- Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?

- OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?

Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men…

- Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

- Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

- When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

- Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

- Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Things Men Should "Never" Say After Sex:

1. "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2. "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3. "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4. "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5. "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6. (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7. (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8. "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9. "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."