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There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him, she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused.

- C'mon - he begged:

- I'll give u a dollar.

- Well - the little boy thought:

- Okay.

So the little boy ran home.

- Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
→ Mace...

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied:

- I think her orgasm's stuck!

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says:

- Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.

- Sure - he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says:

- Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?

The guy says:

- No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said:

- But you just got a new pair last month!

- Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident - stammered the private.

- Accident, what kind of an accident?

The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries:

- Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?

- No, no, none of those... - said the private.

- Well then, what is it?

- I'd rather not tell you, sir...

- Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses - said the medical officer, ready to stand up.

What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.

What's the best thing about a blow job?
→ The 15 minutes of silence!

When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
→ Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

How do you make love to a fat girl?
→ Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Two GIs in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench for three days when one needs a shit.

- I can't go in here, it's really going to stink.

- There's another trench over there.

- I'll cover you with the M60... just give me a shout and I'll cover you so you can get back.

- OK.

So the GI runs across while the other fires off the machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes... 15... 20... he shouts out:

- Are you OK?... nothing.

Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

- Cover me, I'm coming back!

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?
→ She blew them both...

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said:

- You'll have to wait.

- But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now.

- Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.

- Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room.

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

- Go away! - says the madam.

- We don't allow drunks in here!

- I don't want in - says the drunk.

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says:

- Doc, I think I'm impotent.

Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks:

- When did you first begin to think you were impotent?

- Three times last night, and again this morning.

Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
→ Because she found out what the big boys eat.

Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?
→ She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"
→ About three inches.

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college sidekick are perched near the front door of the girls' dorm. Several plain Janes walk by as the two converse.

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and -- barely audibly -- inquires:

- Tickle your ass with a feather?

The young beauty -- startled by what she thinks she heard -- exclaims:

- What?!

Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats:

- Typical nasty weather?

- Oh - she demures.

- Yes - and goes on her way.

More young lovelies walk by and the scene is repeated.

A girl gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on one thigh and a turkey on the other. She wants to show that there is something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

What's the difference between true love and herpes?
→ Herpes lasts forever.

So one sperm says to the other:

- When do we get to the ovaries?

The other replies:

- Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!

A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while:

- Honey, your tits are too small, and your box is too tight.

- Get off my back, dear! - she replies.

What's another term for cunnilingus?
→ Genital Slurpees.

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

- Hi hon - she purred sexily.

- Y'all want some of this?

- Hell, no! - he hollered.

- Look at what it's done to your undies!

A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
→ Because Ken always comes in a box!

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
→ They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!