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What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

- Young lady - the doctor began.

- you're pregnant.

- But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.

- Well my dear - said the doctor.

- someone in that colony is cockeyed.

Man to a woman: Do you know what the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?

Woman: No.

Man: Let's have lunch sometime...

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.

Without preamble the hooker says:

- I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's for a hand job.

- $500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous! - the man exclaimed.

- No hand job in the world could be worth $500!

The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.

- See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands.

Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and sure enough the hooker sends him into…

A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss.

Her reply was:

- At a time like this you want me to change positions?

- Kiss me - said the young lady urgently.

- Please kiss me.

But the young man turned his head away, saying:

- Of course not. How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't even be lying here making love.

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied:

- Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one.

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

- Heavens - she cried. It's my husband! Quick, jump out the window.

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred.

- I can't - he said. We're on the thirteenth floor.

- For heaven's sake - cried the young lady in exasperation. Is this a time to be superstitious?

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.

- Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy.

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.

- Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.

Says the baby stork:

- Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!

How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
→ When you open her legs the lights go on.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.

What is a yankee?
→ A quickie, but you do it yourself.

What two things in the air will get a woman pregnant?
→ Her legs.

What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
→ They both leak when they're fucked!

Which of the following doesn't belong?

- (a) meat

- (b) eggs

- (c) wife

- (d) blow job

(D) A blowjob, because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

How do you get Visual Aids?
→ From a nasty poke in the eye.

How do you re-sleeve a prostitute?
→ Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.

Why do bankers make great lovers?
→ They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

- My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed - she said.

- What a coincidence! My wife just left me - said the man. She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says:

- Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

- I can't help feeling that we've met before - he said.

- Yeah, I know - sighed the girl, stretching. It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says:

- Get gas and free sex here.

So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.

- Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex - said the cashier.

- Uh, okay, 3! - the man replied.

- Nope! Sorry, play again.

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

- This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex! - He screamed.

- Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says:

- Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out...

- Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.

The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says:

- Well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said:

- Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.

- Well? What did he want to do? - they all asked.

She said:

- I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that…

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?
→ 'Hey sis, you awake?'

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him:

- How the hell do the two of you have sex?

The big guy says:

- I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.

His friend says:

- You know, that don't sound too bad.

The big guy says:

- Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.