While attending a spelling session in school one day, the teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB.
Darla raises her hand and says:
- I can, I can.
The teacher replies:
- OK, go ahead Darla...
Darla replies:
- D-U-M-B.
The teacher replies:
- Very good, and can you use that word in a sentence?
Darla replies:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says:
- Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.
She replies:
- If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said:
- Yes, Officer?
- What are you doing? - the policeman asked.
- What does it look like? - answered the young man.
- I'm reading this magazine.
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked:
- And what is she doing?
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said:
- Just how much is that watch?
- It's $2000, ma'am.
- Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?
- Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?
- I was thinking two times a week for the next two months.
- That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker - the housewife told a neighbor.
- You didn't do it, did you?
- I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
- Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.
And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in…
- Darling, will you still make love like that to me after we're married? - she whispered after they had finished making love.
He considered this for a moment, and then replied:
- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says:
- My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
The man thinks:
- What does a priest know about sex?
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes…
"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
- Guess what I got planned for dinner? - she asked seductively.
- And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:
- Mama! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit…
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you…
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom.
- Oh yuck!! - she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked:
- What, they don't use those things where you come from?
- Yeah, but we don't skin 'em! - she said.
These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing, and one sperm asks the other...
- Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???
- Naaaa, this is still the esophagus.
A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says:
- Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions.
He says:
- All right.
She says:
- All right... what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?
The doctor says:
- That's the penis. The male organ, the penis.
She says:
- Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?
One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.
They went at it hot and heavy all night long, then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her:
- I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.
She looked at him and said:
- You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith.
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted:
- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.
The prostitute snapped back:
- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.
Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.
Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.
The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend…
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.
That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to…
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said:
- Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?
She looked down at him and promptly replied:
- Hello, you little fuck!
The three dwarves were in Rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the Mother Superior.
- Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?
- Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns here.
- Well, are there any in the city?
- No, there are no dwarf nuns.
- What, none anywhere in Europe?
- No, little man. None in the entire world. Take my word for it.
At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
The Mother Superior asks:
- What's so funny?
I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
- Mom: How?
- Daughter: Oh, stuff....
- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
- Daughter: I don't know.....
- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like…
