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Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
→ He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What is green and eats nuts?
→ Herpes!

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.

- Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.

- Come on now, Mr. Peters, your sex drive's all in your head.

- That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little.

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
→ You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

What did the boy with a long tongue and big lips say to his mom as he was masturbating?
→ "Look Ma, no hands!"

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.

My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.

I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said:

- Please give me a prescription for the Pill.

- I don't think you need the Pill at your age.

- It relaxes me.

- But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing.

- I know - said Mrs. Ogden - but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife he uttered the now famous words:

- Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said:

- My god, you look so depressed.

She said:

- You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread.

- Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

Three guys are discussing women.

- I like to watch a woman's tits best - the first guy says.

The second says:

- I like to look at a woman's ass.

He asks the third guy:

- What about you?

- Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied - you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said - you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

- Correct - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:

What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
→ A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawal.

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says:

- You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass.

She says:

- What???!!!

But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her:

- Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!

She looks back at him and says:

How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
→ He forgot to wrap his whopper.

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners…

What's the difference between hard and light?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.

It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says...:

- Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?

The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks back at the little girl and winks...:

- When your mommy goes to the mall!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
→ A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked:

- If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?

- Hell no! - the guy said.

The stranger then asked:

- If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?

The man said:

- Of course not.

- Wanna go camping?

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said:

- I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?

No.

The second beau came to the door and said:

- I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?

No.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer:

- Hello, my name is Chuck.

The farmer shot Chuck.

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said:

- You really ought to quit.

She, getting tired of his nagging, said:

- I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.

He replied:

- But they stunt your growth. She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said:

- So, what's your excuse then?

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastes.

The first guy said:

- I think it tastes like cherry pie.

The other guy said:

- I think it tastes like shit.

Then the first guy said:

- You are supposed to turn her over.

What's green and smells like pig?
→ Kermit's fingers.

What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
→ The man.