Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right...
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!" "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.
Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said:
- I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that…
There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass... SAME THING!"
Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her: "Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!" The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. "Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is "Your highness". Van says, " ..jis that is unbelievable, my brother's name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!"
A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.
The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.
To which the boy replies:
- GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE!!!!
I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.
YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:
- she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.
- when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
- she had to go to Sea World to get babtised
- she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
- her favorite dress is a tent
- she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops
- she has to iron her pants on the driveway
- she needs a building permit for her girdle
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer:
- if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep.
The farmer says:
- OK.
The brunette says:
- 485.
The farmer says:
- that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back.
The brunette says:
Why do men masturbate?
→ Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. -- Anonymous
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
- Banana!
- Banana who?
- Knock Knock!
- Who's there?
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
How did the sand get wet?
→ The sea weed!
Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."
She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!
The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:
- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'
She bought one of the hams.
Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:
- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!
She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the…
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How come there aren't B batteries?
If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep:
- I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.
So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says:
- Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.
The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter.
- Anything else - he questions.
The hippie replies:
- Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.
Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells:
- Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
- Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
- Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your…
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her:
- I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask.
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.
Secret tips for making a marriage last...
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
- Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
- Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!
So I suggested:
- How about the kitchen?
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said:
- Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?
The judge's face went red and he roared:
- It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!
The defendant nodded and then asked:
- Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied:
- Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.
The defendant smiled and said:
- Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!
A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.
Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.
A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.
Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.
Before reaching the door, the bartender yells:
- Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?
To which the pig replies:
- No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!
A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.
So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.
- Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal - the salesman said.
- What makes him so special? - the man asked.
The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."
So the man asked:
- What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?
- Well I don't know - answered the salesman.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:
- Get me a beer before it starts!
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says:
- Get me another beer before it starts!
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:
- Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!
The wife is furious. She yells at him:
- Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...
The man sighs and says:
