Latest

What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.

After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to…

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

- Chronic syphilis, Sir.

- What treatment are you getting?

- Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

- What's your ambition?

- To get back to the front, Sir.

- Good man - said the Major.

He went to the next bed:

- What's your problem, Soldier?

1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.
2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers…

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once
You only get eaten once
It takes 4 minutes to get hard and 2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady:

- There ain't hardly no justice in this world.

- Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

- Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

- Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

- Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

- Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:

- What do you like best about it?

- The artwork - says Robert.

- Very good. And you, Peter?

- Tits!

- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged - And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.

- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded - And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:

- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

- Once - he replied.

- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

- Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to…

The kings of Spain, France, and England all stand on stage together in front of their nations all ready to see who of the three has the largest penis.

The king of Spain takes his out and as they all see the impressive proportions all the Spanish people shout:

- Viva Espania!

The king of France is next and as his is even larger, all the French scream:

- Vive la France!

Next comes the king of England, and just as he drops his pants and takes his out, everyone exclaims:

- God save the Queen!

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says:

- Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me.

- Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over.

The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised:

- I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords.

- W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?

- Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches

- I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it.

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

- Why do you keep working out all the time - they asked.

- Well - he said - Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me.

Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA) that they couldn't see him any more…

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says:

- Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place..

A bit bewildered, the guy answers:

- But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here.

The owner quietly replies:

- Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.

They exchange hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies:

- This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest diameter.

- By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?

He coolly replies:

- Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.

One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.

- You have been fucking my wives - he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.

- You see that herd of sheep - he said, pointing to the chief's herd - Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.

- OK! OK! - said the chief.

- You keep your mouth shut and so will I.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old:

- Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'.

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

- Aw, hell - says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios.

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother:

- What'll you have?

- I dunno - quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios.

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!" Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!" So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there…

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later…

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror:

- I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.

And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:

- I think I'm the smartest person in this bar.

And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror:

- I think...

POOF! She disappears.

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

She said:

- Well, he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish.

And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body. She said:

- Well, he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over…