An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says:
- Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation:
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.
Guaranteed to work!
Just pick your head up real fast and say:
- ...in JESUS' name...
- AMEN!
(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)
ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?
What do you call an eternity?
→ Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
→ Oh, look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound…
Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
→ Just in case he got a hole-in-one!
How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:
- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper - the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
- Let me tell you a story - replied the Priest.
A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:
- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)
- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)
Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
- The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
- What are you doing? - his mother asked.
- The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken - the Boy explained, so I'm looking for the seal!
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
- You're running around with other women - she charged.
- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.
- You're the only woman on earth!
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.
- Counting your ribs - said Eve!
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:
- Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
- Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes!
What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "I wonder if it's mine?"
How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
- I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! - the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied:
- Bring him in. We'll check it out.
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.
The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.
He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.
They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native:
- Tree.
The native repeats:
- Tree.
After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!
He's tan!
He's cute!
He knows the importance of accessorizing!
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!
INTRODUCING...
MR. POTATO HEAD!
( Good with sour cream and butter too! :)
- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
- Are you wearing it now?
- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
- Wow! What kind is it?
- Twelve-thirty.
