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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says:

- I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

- Don't worry - he says:

- I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish…

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly:

- Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today...

It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career…

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him:

- You need to join the Army of the Lord!

My friend replied:

- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned:

- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back:

- I'm in the secret service.

30 things people actually said in court

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in the moment of impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

- Where do you live? - asked the operator. Bubba replied:

- At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.

The operator asked:

- Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said:

- How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked:

- What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?

The Indian answered:

- Eggs.

The man scoffed:

- Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony.

Thirteen years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform.

The tourist went up and said jovially:

- How!

The Indian answered:

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises - screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - and then added in perfect English:

- Yes, I had a very nice flight.

Another reporter asked:

- Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?

The chief made the same noises - screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - and then said:

- Yes , and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.

- Never trust a dog to watch your food.

- When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer.

- Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

- Stay away from prunes.

- Never pee on an electric fence.

- Don't squat with your spurs on.

- Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.

- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

- Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

- Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said:

- Where would man be today if it were not for woman?

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

- I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice:

- He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him:

- do you think we'll ever find them?

He said:

- I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her:

- What are you up to?

Alice smiled:

- I'm going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her:

- If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much…

What do elves learn in school?
→ The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
→ 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework

- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
11. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
12. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
13. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
14. Talk about a huge breast!
15. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
16. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
17. It's cool whip time!!
18. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
19. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said:

- Kramer, your grandmother died.

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant:

- You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said:

- Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!