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The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

- 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

- 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

- 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

- 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

A man goes to the confessional and begins:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- What is your sin, my son? - the priest asks back.

- Well - the man starts - I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

- When did you use this awful language? - asks the priest.

- I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

- Is that when you swore?

- No, Father - says the man.

- After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says:

- Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!

Everyone gets all excited and chants:

- We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying:

- Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks:

- Do you have a question to ask me, young man?

Dopey looks up shyly and says:

- Well, yes.

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

- Since we installed our new satellite navigation system - bragged one - we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent.

- Not bad - the second paramedic commented - But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we cut our average time by 20 percent.

- That's nothing - said the third paramedic - Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress.

They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over:

- Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly - to which the waiteress replied:

- Bur-ger Ki-ng

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said:

- I was just being the Ring Bear!

Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts.

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

- Yes - he said. - I do. My father taught me.

- Good. What comes after three.

- Four - answers the boy.

- What comes after six?

- Seven.

- Very good - says the teacher. - Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?

- A Jack.

Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint.

- sorry - said the barman - we don't serve pieces of string in here - and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.

Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.

- Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out? - asked the barman.

- No - replied the string - I'm a frayed not!

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male…

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

- I'm blessing it - the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem.

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job is interfering with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

- Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!

- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

- Every woman you see has an exact twin.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking:

- Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between…

The top 10 things men know about women are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before…

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said:

- Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.

The twenty answered:

- I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?

The one dollar bill said:

- You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone:

- Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe:

- Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

- That's Strange!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him:

- What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?

- No - Bill replies:

- I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!

- Listen - his friend suggests:

- Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together.

- So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders:

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was:

- If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

- Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...

- Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!

- Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate

- Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!

- Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!

- Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

- Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question

- Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated

- Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

- At age 4, success is not peeing your pants

- At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

- At age 35, success is about career and family

- At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

- At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!