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Your Momma is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

I Still Miss My Ex..

But My Aim Is Getting Better!

How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?
→ Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

- Your mamma is so ugly, when she was born, she had an incubator with tinted windows

- Your mamma is so ugly, the doctor's still smacking her ass.

- Your mamma is so funky, she used secret and it told on her.

- Your mamma's drawls is so funky, roaches checkin' in but not out.

- Your mamma is so fat, can't wear daisy dukes, wears boss hoggs.

- Your mamma is so fat, police use her as a road block.

- Your mamma is so fat, needs a six-piece bikini.

- Your mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises.

- Your mamma's cooking is so bad, the homeless gives it back.

- Your mamma is so short, her feet swings on the toilet.

Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?
→ He didn't see the Ewe turn!

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks:

- What part did you get?

He replies:

- I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congradulated him. And then he said:

- Thats good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!

What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
→ ET - The extra testicle!

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
→ The one who can eat the last doughnut.

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, "we are family".

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched…

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says:

- I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Second guy says:

- I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Not to be outdone, the third guy says:

- Hell, that's nothing... I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who was that??!!

- Oh - replies the husband - that was my mistress.

- That's it - says the wife - I want a divorce.

- Ok - replies her husband - but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

- Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

- Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe…

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting…

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
11. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
12. Hide and Go Pee
13. Simon Says something Incoherent
14. Doc, Doc Goose
15. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
16. Kick the Bucket
17. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
18. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

- I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive - says the beaming boy to the his dad.

- Nope - comes dad's reply - I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

She yells:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200!?!

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik:

- So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began:

- They accuse me of intervening in Angola...

and a man going through the audience called out:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on:

- They say I'm intervening in Mozambique...

and the same loud voice shouted:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: