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Why can't blonds work at the M & M Factory?
→ They throw out all the "W"s.

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says:

- OK for you

and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that…

What does a smart man do with 365 used rubbers??
→ Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Yo Momma is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyone and got stuck.

Safety Tip: Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?
→ It comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live…

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says:

- I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says:

- I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.

- Why not - giggles the woman.

- Good - he replies.

- Get your own damn blanket!

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her:

- You keep sneezing, what's the problem?

The woman replies:

- I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

He says:

- Oh... what are you taking for it?

She says:

How do you know you've been kidnapped by a redneck?
→ He's asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man:

- Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have.

The short man replies:

- I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway.

- OK - He says - I want to live in a mansion.

The short man replies:

- Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
→ A carrot! (boom tish!!)

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled:

- Pull over!

The lady yelled back:

- No - mittens!

10 reasons why a dog doesn't use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It's hard to type with paws)
11. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question.
12. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you've got mail'.
17. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
18. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
→ He worked it out with a pencil...

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

Boss asks secretary:

- Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?

- No - says the secretary.

- Great, Let's do lunch. - the boss says.

Why did the baseball coach throw Cinderella off the team?
→ Because she ran away from the ball.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says:

- There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says:

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other:

- I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.

- Odd - her companion replied - but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

- Two dogs, please - said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously:

- What part did you get?

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...

Must be a rubber tree...

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon. - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!