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How do you get a one-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave!

How do you get a two-armed nufie out of a tree?
→ Wave both hands!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.
11. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
12. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
13. There's an ATM in the lobby.
14. Choir wears leather robes.
15. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
16. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
17. Karaoke Worship Time.
18. Ushers ask:

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh
The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh
The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh
His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman?
→ Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest?
→ Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills?
→ A Humanitarian.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:

- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

- Hell - said Herman.

- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:

- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you

and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze poison.

The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says:

- Vive la France!

and drinks it down.

The Englishman says:

- A pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says:

What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
→ They're both stuck up cunts!!

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said:

- Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job.

Boudreaux said:

- Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?

The manager said:

- We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.

Boudreaux asked:

- An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?

The manager replied:

How do you make a tissue dance?
→ Put a little boogie in it.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks:

- What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?

The young man replies:

- A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

- That's a lot of money - says the old man, shocked.

- Why does it cost so much?

- Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! - states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Bubba".
16. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
17. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop…

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:

- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:

- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man:

- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

What is black and white and red all over?
→ A panda bear with diaper rash!

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
→ A tick falls off you when you die !

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
→ One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it!

What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
→ He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

- Knock Knock!

- Who's There?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne Who?

- Dwayne The Bathtub and I'm Dwowning!

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

- You collect dead windowsill flies.

- Every time the phone rings, you shout:

- Hey! An angel just got its wings!

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?
→ Santa flys, not runs, there aren't any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said:

- Thank you, but my God will save me.

Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out:

- Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!

Once again she thanked him profusely and said:

- My God will save me.

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The…

What goes up when you count down?
→ A Rocket Ship!

One day a boy approached his mother with a question:

- Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?

His mother, very surprised, replies:

- Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...:

- Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined…