The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says:
- Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
The priest chuckles and says:
- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Why are sheep always in a field?
→ Because they can't get out !
Who gives my cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Paws!
Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents?
→ Santa Claws!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
→ You hang around while i go ahead!
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
→ Snowballs!
What is a blonde's way of having safe sex?
→ Locking the car doors!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.
Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?
→ To play his WhoreMonica
One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill:
- You have one wish.
Bill Clinton cried:
- But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!
- Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you - replied the Genie.
Bill Clinton thought hard and said:
- Bring peace to the middle east.
He took out a map to show the Genie.
The genie said:
- Nope. Can't do that choose another wish.
A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.
One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly:
- 51!!
- 51!!
The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast "51". This happens a few times.
Finally, the bartender speaks up:
- Excuse me - He says:
- But why do you ladies keep doing that?
- Well - Says one of the blondes, very bubbly:
- We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!
TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.
Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks
- I can't talk now... I'll call you later.
- Oh. It's only you.
Bill's Song
This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"
The Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.
Rejected Hallmark Cards:
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret…
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.
In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.
A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...:
- You're a dumb-looking button!
- You don't have much of a future, either!
- You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!
- I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!
Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.
- What in the heck are you doing? - her boyfriend asks.
The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads...:
- DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE.
How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.
He was really upset, and was thinking:
- Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?
Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked:
- What's wrong?
- I hit the Easter Bunny!! - said the guy.
- Oh, I know what to do - said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.
A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that…
What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?
→ WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather…
One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:
- coats and jackets.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:
- cooking.
Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:
- grandpa and grandma.
Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says:
- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
