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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!

Why do Lawyers smell?
→ So the blind can hate them, too!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess:

- I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

- One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying:

- I don't think so.

A blonde's house is on fire. She calls 911 and says:

- My house is on fire.

The dispatcher says:

- Well, can you tell me how we get there?

- Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course.

God made oceans, God made lakes,
God made NSYNC but hey, we all make mistakes!!!!

Where does Bill Clinton have sex?
→ In the oral office.

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says:

- Bartender, give me a drink.

The bartender can't believe his eyes and says:

- Oh my Gosh, I can't believe this, you're a talking grasshopper!

- Do you know we have drink named after you?

The Grasshopper replies:

- You have a drink named Steve?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made…

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man:

- Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies:

- See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says:

- I wish for a million bucks.

All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says:

- That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he.

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying:

- this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and…

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said:

- I think I'll go up and get a Coke. (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)

- No problem - said the Jew.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said:

- That looks good. Think I'll have one too.

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully:

- My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house.

The second man steps up to tee and says:

- Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car.

The third man steps up and says:

- My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.

Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says:

- Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words.

1st he went to his Brother and asked:

- Could you give me a spelling word?

His Brother answered:

- ShutUp

So he wrote down Shutup.

2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered:

- Certainly

He wrote down certinly.

3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop.

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said:

- Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying:

- A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end:

- Where is your P?

The boy answered:

- Running down my pants!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?
→ There's skid marks in front of the deer!

What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
→ Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

- Screw me or climb the ladder to success - she said.

- Well - thought the man.

- might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.

- Screw me now or climb the ladder to success - she uttered.

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.

The commander yells:

- Ready...

Aim...

and the brunette yells:

- Earthquake!!!

Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.

The commander then tells his soldiers to get up:

- Ready...

Aim...

- Knock Knock

- Whos there?

- Luke

- Luke who?

- Look through the keyhole and you will find out!

What does an army general kiss under at christmas?
→ Missile toe

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands:

- Can't your father do that?

Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies:

- Well, sure... but the bull can do it better.