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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. He said to the salesperson:

- But, I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?

The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see:

- Wow, look at that S-car-go.

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
→ When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

It's called, "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy."

What might've happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question:

- How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers:

- Never!

St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers:

- Oh, about 25-30 times.

He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers:

- Maybe 400-500 times

and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to:

- why the sad face?

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
→ A fugitive

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

2nd guy hisses:

- What are you doing, you can't outrun the lion

1st guy says:

- No, but all I have to do is outrun you!

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said:

- Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary - and Bill Clinton replies...

- Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!

If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

I will not waste chalk...
I will not skateboard in the halls...
I will not burp in class...
I will not draw naked ladies in class...
I did not see Elvis...
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'...
Garlic gum is not funny...
They are laughing at me, not with me...
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom...
I will not encourage others to fly...

There once was an old man who was loved by everyone in the town where he lived. When he died, they buried him at a scenic location along a river.

A few days later there was a great rain storm and the river flood coffin was carried along the river in to the town. The casket flowed down the street past the supermarket and the school all the way into the pharmacy. It slid right in to the pharmacy and onto the counter. The lid popped open and the old man sat up and asked the pharmacist:

- Do you have anything to stop this coffin?

Why don't Blondes use vibrators anymore?
→ Because they keep chipping their teeth !!!

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?
→ Burger King showed her it's Whopper.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
→ Well Hung.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister:

- Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?
→ Put sheet music in front of him.

What does a duck like to eat?
→ A quacker!

"Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper
"Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns
"Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy:

- What are they doing?

He says:

- They're making love.

- Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there? - she asked.

- Oh, uh, that's his rope - he answered.

- Well, what are those two round things on the other end? - she asked.

He says:

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says:

- All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says:

- All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

- You got a problem, buddy?

- No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!