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A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

- How did you get that mark on your chest? - asks the doctor.

- Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, - she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

- How did you get that mark on your chest? - asks the doctor.

- Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, - she replies.

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

- Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through? - asked the first man. The other man shook his head.

- I'm going to go ask them if we can play through, - said the first man, emphatically.

- Enough is enough.

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

- Oh God, - he said to his friend.

- This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife…

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

How does a blonde part their hair?
→ (Action of scissoring legs apart)

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
→ There's writing on the white-out.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
→ She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
→ There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
→ Lipstick.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
→ Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
→ Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
→ Pack their lunch and send them to work.

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
→ Introduces themself.
→ Walks home.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilised.

How does a blonde like her eggs?

What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
→ Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?
→ 'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
→ 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
→ Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
→ Who cares?

Which is the odd one out - a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV or a woman?
→ The TV because all the others leak when they're fucked!

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

How do blondes get pregnant?
→ And you thought blondes were dumb.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
→ The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
→ Not everybody has been in a limo.

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
→ One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
→ You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
→ Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
→ You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
→ Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
→ Too many blondes were drowning.

Why do blonds have square boobs?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
→ 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
→ Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Why don't blondes double recipes?

161. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     → Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     → Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Why do blondes have legs?
     → So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     → To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     → So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
164. Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
     → It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

181. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     → Branch Manager.
182. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     → She fell out of the tree.
183. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     → Wave at her.
184. What do you call a smart blond?
     → A golden retriever.
185. How do you check a blonde's IQ?
     → With a tire gauge.

201. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
     → A blond electrician
202. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     → So brunettes can remember them.
     → Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
203. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde????
     → She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
204. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     → Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     → Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
222. Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself:

- oh well ! and turned around and drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
     Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
     Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
     Blonde: Yes.
     Operator: The power in the house in on?
     Blonde: Of course.
     Operator: And the switch is on?
     Blonde: Yes, yes.
     Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
     Blonde: No, it's working fine.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:

- GREEN SIDE UP!

The lady then asked him:

- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says:

- Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says:

- Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says:

- Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says:

- Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says:

- NONE!

The teacher replies:

- None, how do you figure that?

The little boy says:

- If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.

The teacher replies:

- Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says:

- Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again…

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:

- What's wrong with you?

The small guy says:

- Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says:

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."