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What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.

A gay guy walks into a bar and says:

- bartender give me a brewskie.

The bartender says:

- We don't serve your kind here.

The gay continues:

- I'll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won't say anything.

The bartender says:

- Well, all right! - and pours a beer.

A while later a cowboy walks in and says:

- Bartender give me a beer! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

- The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much - said the nun.

- Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade - said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed:

- I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said:

- lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

- Don't worry, Bubba - Earl said.

- We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

- What fer? - asked Bubba.

- Just let me do the talkin', OK? - said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said:

- You boys been drinkin'?

- No, sir - said Earl.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching…

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup…

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said:

- To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.

The man took the gun, hesitated, and said:

- Sorry, I can't do it.

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said:

- To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.

The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out.

- Sorry - he said.

The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said:

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
11. "Show me how you used to spank her."
12. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
13. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
14. "I just got my license today."
15. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
16. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
17. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
18. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

- How old was your husband? - he asked.

- He was ninety-eight - she answered softly.

- Two years older than I am.

- Really? - the undertaker said.

- Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise - he moaned:

- tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?

- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn:

- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.

- He's an idiot - Bob said.

- Piss on him!

- You did - came the reply.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said Bob.

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug Windows '98

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's new book

1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said:

- OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said:

- I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said:

- That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

- Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:

- Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice…

25 facts of life

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be…

First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember it's just a joke!

Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Top 10 things you'll never hear a girl say.

1. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
2. Shouldn't you be out drinking with your friends?
3. Great fart!! Rip another one!
4. Pet names are silly. I just call it my c*nt.
5. You should see the shit I just birthed.
6. I'd rather play Duke Nukem than go shopping.
7. Let's start subscribing to Hustler.
8. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste of it!

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no…

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:

- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he…

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:

- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!

Mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy - yelled the customer - sticking your thumb in my steak?!

- What - answers the waiter - You want it to fall on the floor again?