A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:
- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says:
- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?
- No - says the psychic.
- Next semester in her biology class.
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says:
- Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?
GOD replied:
- Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.
So Adam says:
- When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?
- I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.
- Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?
- I did that Adam so that you could love her.
- Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
- Man: What are you doing here today?
- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.
- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?
- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.
St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.
"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.
"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".
Jesus is now getting quite excited.
In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".
- Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? - asks Jesus.
- Yes - comes the reply.
Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts:
- FATHER, FATHER?!
Jack goes to the doctor and says:
- Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack:
- Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.
Jack asks sadly:
- What is this treatment?
- Well - the doctor explains - what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.
Jack thinks about it silently then says:
- Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.
You might be a child of the 80's if...
THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?
→ Pretty good.
Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said:
- Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven.
The Muslims said:
- But we are good Christians!
St. Peter replied:
- Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?
The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said:
- I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!
St. Peter shook his head, and said:
- Next!
A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying:
- mmmm... mmmhmmm.
He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
- Oh, that - he says.
- I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself:
- It's not a ship.
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks:
- It's not a boat.
The speck gets even closer and he thinks:
- It's not a raft.
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says:
- How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?
- Ten years! - he says.
There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks:
- well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience.
So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter.
- I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts - he says.
- Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars - the pimp replies.
But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes…
Business Rules to Live By
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton:
- Are you ready to order?
Clinton replies:
- Yes, I'd like a quickie!
- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.
- Sir, given the past situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says:
- It's pronounced Quiche.
A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.
When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said:
- Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?
With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied:
- Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother:
- Thanks for the peanuts.
She says:
- Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.
- I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
- They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our…
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
- What happened to you feet? - his wife asked.
- I had a childhood disease called tolio.
- Don't you mean polio?
- No, tolio, it only affects the toes.
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
- What happened to your knees? - she asked.
- Well, I also had kneesles.
- Don't you mean measles?
- No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.
Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one:
- See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says:
- No way.
The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy:
- I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no.
The second guy says:
- You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no.
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the…
Confucius say...
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
This chick walks into a doctor's office and the nurse tells her to take off her clothes and that the doctor will be with her in a minute, so she does. The doctor walks in and take off his coat and starts to feel between her thighs. He asks:
- do you know what I'm doing now
and she replies:
- you're checking for menopause
and he says:
- very good.
Then he starts feeling her tits and he asks her:
- do you know what I'm doing now
and she says:
- checking for breast cancer
There is an old Indian Tribe in the Amazon and their chief is getting old and a new, young challenger wants to be chief.
So the wise man of the tribe decides that whoever produces the loudest fart in a week will be chief.
The first few days pass and neither the chief or his young rival have farted.
The wiseman emerges and says:
- Big Chief no Fart.
The next day a truck load of baked beans arrives for the Chief, but at the end of the day the wiseman says:
- Big Chief no Fart.
The next day, three truckloads arrives for the Chief, but again the wiseman comes out and says:
- Big Chief no Fart.
The Chief is becoming frustrated and orders an army of trucks loaded with baked beans.
A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.
Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint:
- what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night - she asked?
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:
- What's the camel for?
The Sergeant replied:
- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.
The captain said:
- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:
- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got…
