OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
→ The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.
They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:
- Police Officer #1: What's your name?
- Shutup: Shutup.
- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?
- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!
If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you're walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.
It will eventually drive them slightly insane!
The punchline is:
- And then the president said - But that's not my duck!
What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"
Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says:
- Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?
The youngster responds, proudly:
- Ya, Santa brought it for me.
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying:
- Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says:
- And did Santa bring you that horse?
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers:
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says:
- Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness.
- Saints Preserve us - says she - is Mike alright?
Pat responds:
- I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!
- Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt? - says Mary.
- Sure, an it's worse than that - says Pat - he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!
- Oh, well - says Mary - At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!
- Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that - says Pat - but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!
How many cockroaches does it take to turn on a light?
→ No one knows...when the light comes on they all scatter!
What is a country song played backwards?
→ Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.
A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.
- Person: Are you a democrat or a republican?
- Blonde: Oh, I'm an American.
Why did the condom fly across the road?
→ It was pissed off!!
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby?
→ Ask your parents.
How do crazy people get through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them:
- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man:
- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
→ "Dam."
There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.
- I will grant you each a wish - he said.
- Why not - thought the blondes.
- It's worth a try.
- I want to be the world's best swimmer - one said, so can swim off of the island. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.
- I want to be a bird - one said, and flew away immediately.
The 3rd, and last one thought for a while:
- I want to be a man. Maybe that would help.
She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
→ MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
→ Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls! (baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)
OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks:
- whats in the box
The man says:
- I'll show ya' if you get me a beer.
So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!
Next the bar tender asks:
- hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?
The man says:
- I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer.
So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says:
Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!
So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.
The head headhunter says:
- If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back
So the hikers did that and came back.
The head head hunter said:
- Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.
So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard. 1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screaming, so the headhunters chop off his head. The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like…
