25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied:
- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
- First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.
- Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the ground and nothing happened to you.
- First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry".
- Hans Olaffsen? - he thinks.
- How in the world does that fit in here?
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks:
- How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers:
- Is name of owner.
The visitor asks:
- Well, who in the heck is the owner?
- I am he - answers the old man.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: What's your name?
- Shut Up: Shut Up.
- Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
- Shut Up: Shut Up!
- Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
- Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says:
- You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble.
The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:
I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.
She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde…
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was:
- Darling, I've got a big surprise for you - at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.
- Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise - said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his…
What's the difference between Bill Clinton & J.F.K?
→ One got his head blown off in the back of a limousine & the other got assasinated.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:
- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses:
- Yes. Yes he did.
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was…
How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ 1,331
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
→ A DICTATOR!!
A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.
The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.
The loan officer says inquiringly:
- Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000?
- Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41?
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
- Well - he said.
- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
- Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but…
Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said:
- You'll see.
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says:
- Ticket Please.
An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.
On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the…
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:
- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:
- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied:
- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.
- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you…
- Dad, can I ask you something?
- Sure! What about?
- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.
- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?
- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
- No!
- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
- Nope!
- It will be just proper at my age...
- I said no way...!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied:
- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
MACINTOSH stands for...
Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said:
- This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
- My wife's gone to the West Indies.
- J'ya make'er?
- No, Barbados.
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.
- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:
