Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says:
- Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.
Paul replies:
- Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad.
Charley says:
- If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?
Paul answers:
- Because I had a tooth stuck in it.
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said:
- I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says:
- it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly. The uncle says with a confused look:
- Um son we don't have a cow...
We have a bull!
Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says:
- What kinda bird you reckon that was?
The other hunter replies:
- I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.
- Shit - said the driver to his passenger. What kind of bug was that?
- Dunno - he replied. But did you see the size of the cock on it?!
How did Captain Hook die?
→ Jock itch.
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says:
- You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo.
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says:
- St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?
St. Peter says:
- That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel.
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
- Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough - replied his friend.
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.
- So, how's life been for you? - Ed asked.
- Not too good - Ted replied.
- My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.
- Oh dear, that sounds terrible. - Ed said.
- What business were you in?
- I sell lucky charms - said Ted.
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says:
- Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it.
She turns to him with a smirk and says:
- You want ketchup on that?
Salesman says:
- why do you ask?
She says:
- We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.
A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.
The little girl said:
- What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?
The man said:
- Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
- Where the hell am I?
A doctor replied:
- Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over.
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.
Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.
Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.
Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.
- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
- Well, doc, 25 years ago ...
- Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.
- Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said no, everything is fine.
- Are you sure? - she asked.
- I'm sure - I said.
- Isn't there anything I can do for you? - she wanted to know.
- I reckon not - I replied ...
- Excuse me - said the doctor.
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Fred goes to a doctor and says:
- Doc, I want to be castrated.
Doc says:
- Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation.
- Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? - Fred
Doc says:
- Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK.
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
- Well, Doc, how'd it go? - Fred asks.
- It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task…
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says:
- I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies:
- OK why don't you go behind these bushes
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand…
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club.
- Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?
- No thanks - she said sweetly.
- I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning.
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said:
- Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?
She said:
- Do you like sex?
I said:
- Of course I like sex.
She said:
- Do you like to travel?
I said:
- Yeah, I love to travel.
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
- Are you the landlord? - she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
- Actually, no - he replies.
- Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him? - she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the barman - clearly aroused.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a…
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:
- Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says:
- Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!
Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?"
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette…
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
- But - said the duffer - since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
- What happened? - asked one of the members.
- Well - said the pro - I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the…
