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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked:

- I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?

- Only one kiss per yard - replied the smirking male clerk.

- That's fine - replied the girl.

- I'll take ten yards.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

- Grandpa will pay the bill - she smiled.

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman:

- cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman.

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

- Same again? - asks the barman.

- Okay - says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.

In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

- Do you want another? - asks the barman.

- No I don't think so - says the man:

- If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks:

- Whats a failic symbol?

Doctor says:

- You're kidding..

Girl says:

- No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???

Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says:

- You see? This is a failic symbol!

Girl says:

- Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies:

- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
→ The cats keep covering them up with sand!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

What do you call an honest lawyer?
→ An oxymoron.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
→ Perfect setup for skeet shooting.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?
→ Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
→ To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

- Damn - he says. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.

His partner replies:

- What are you worried about? We're both here.

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said:

- State your name, occupation, and the charge.

The defendant said:

- I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.

The judge winced and said:

- Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor:

- You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied:

- You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.