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This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

- Please I need to get back to England - she pleaded.

- If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean.

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said:

- When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect.

And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

- Please don't get angry - she started to say and explained the…

- Pilot: Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

- Tower: Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims:

- Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?

Father looks at her and says:

- Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis.

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset…

The Hotel Odeon in Paris is offering tourists a 'Diana Tour' - a personal reenactment of Princess Diana's last night alive. For $50 extra you can enjoy the "Land Mind Obstacle Course".

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

- Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone - the guide said.

- Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.

- We can't be here tomorrow - the nasty woman shouted.

- We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone.

- Well now - the guide said, it is said that if you kiss…

And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained:

- Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied:

- Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said:

- Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

- Look, it's not the same hat

- Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table

- Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the…

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

- Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

- Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?

- Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:

- Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

- I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.

- Oh really - she spat.

- Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked:

- Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?

The man looked down his nose and replied:

- Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply.

- Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
→ At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She replied, "What other way?"

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary:

- Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions.

Mary gasped and said in a huff:

- Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going tohear of it when I get home!

She sat down, red-faced.

- Susan, can you tell me the answer? - asked Mr. Baldwin.

- The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions - said Susan.

- Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask:

- Why do we have to learn thisstuff?

- To save lives. - the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. - So how does physicssave lives? - he persisted.

- It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school - replied the professor.

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.

- If I gave you $20 - the teacher began, and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?

- An orgy - Johnny answered.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says:

- A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.

One student stands up and says:

- Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit.

New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring…

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

- And how do you find the English students, Donald? - she asked.

- Mother - he replied, they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.

- Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?