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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said:

- We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?

- I'll take the lawyer's heart - said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

- It was easy - said the patient.

- I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, alright!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry, and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it! The rear tiger says:

- sorry, and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

- I don't think so - his attorney told him. I sent it in the other lawyer's name!

- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

- Defendant: No, I did not.

- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
→ Your Honor.

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering:

- Asshole attorneys. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying:

- I want you to know I highly resent that remark.

- Why, are you an attorney?

- No, I'm an asshole.

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
→ He gets taller!!

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
→ Sue.

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend:

- What's happened to your car?

- Well - the friend responses.

- I ran into a lawyer.

- OK - says the man.

- that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?

- Well, I had to chase him all through the park.

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

- I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?

- It's $50,000 - the lawyer said.

- But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?

- That's my business! Get me the course!

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said:

- please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.

- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?

- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

- All set back here, Captain - came the reply.

- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!

- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he cried.

- I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

- Well - she said.

- when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!

How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks:

- Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?

The coroner says:

- No.

The attorney then asks:

- Did you listen for a heart beat?

- No.

- So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says:

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
→ Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche and a porcupine?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said:

- We've been waiting a long time for you.

- What do you mean - he replied.

- I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?

- 45? You're not 45, you're 82 - replied the angel.

- Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.

- Hold on. Let me go check - said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

- Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82...

What is 1 + 2?

- Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

- Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

- Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground?
→ Because deep down, they are really nice guys.

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.

He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked:

- Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have…