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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

Should you have any questions during the exam,just raise your hand. This should cause enoughblood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?

- Why does it work?

What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?

- How does it work?

What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?

- How much will it cost?

What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?

- Do you want fries with that?

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiledwith delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass througha red light' five hundred times."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.

D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are…

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.

The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and…

How to write a paper1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in…

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P…

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upperatmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects theweather. These contentions, however, are for the most partunconfirmed and some are very…

Rabbit's Ph.

D. Thesis: A Parable for Graduate StudentsScene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outsidehis burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

- Fox: What are you working on?

- Rabbit: My thesis.

- Fox: Hmmm. What's it about?

- Rabbit: Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.(incredulous pause)

- Fox: That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes.

- Rabbit: Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me.

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, therabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

No $Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you wouldlike, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS…

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION: Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: If and only if the student is present for the final…

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
2. Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
3. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
4. writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
5. On weekends, I go to _____
6. The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
7. My favorite hobby is _____

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
→ Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
→ "Chop chop."

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam.

The first man waded out to her and said:

- Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?

She replied:

- no sir! So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked:

- Did you like that?

- Oh, indeed I did, sir! - she replied.

The second man went out to her and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?

- No sir - she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked:

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said:

- Implants?

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:

- When did you bag him?

The host said proudly:

- That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.

- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.

- My ex-wife - replied the hunter.

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

What's pink and slowly turns red?
→ A baby chewing a razor blade.