Latest

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said:

- Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?

The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper:

- Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar.

Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled:

- Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.

- On your feet, Lizard Pecker - he bellowed.

- You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.

- Your jeep stuck, sir? - asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

- Nope, Yours is - replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from AirForce fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

- Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump - the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon.

- You've got it all wrong, Major - an Air Force sergeant replied.

- The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor:

- Why do you want to join the Navy, son?

- My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.

- Oh? And what does your father do?

- He's in the Army, sir.

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said:

- Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.

The CO said:

- I see millions of stars.

- 1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

- CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

- 1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.

The army general says:

- Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!

The private reports as ordered:

- Yes sir?

The general says:

- See that man over there? Kill him!

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The general says:

- See? That man has balls!

From one of Tom Clancy's books:

- Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"

- Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."

- Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."

- Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"

- CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"

- Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him:

- Hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss.

- Yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions.

The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says:

- Man, I am really lucky to be alive!

Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself:

- I can't believe I survived this wreck!

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle.

- Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?

The Marine replied:

- I got my four Sir.

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....:

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

- Why, my outfit was so well drilled, that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click - declared one.

- Very good, but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle - conceded the other.

- What was the jingle? - asked the first.

- Oh, just our medals - replied the other off hand.

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out:

- Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night.

The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror.

- Sergeant, that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future - he said afterwards.

The sergeant shrugged:

- Yes sir. I'll try to remember that.

He didn't look very convinced.

Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.

- Let me take this one, sergeant - he said.

He turned toward the sleepy-looking soldiers and said:

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked:

- If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

- Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

- What club should I use now? - he asked the pro.

- I don't know - the pro replied.

- What game are you playing?

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.

The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.

He replied:

- No thanks, I'm not into recycling.

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

- What happened? You should have been home hours ago!

- Harry had a heart attack at the third hole.

- Oh, that's terrible.

- I know. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...

Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 241.

- That is wonderful! - says Albert. - We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the lady answers - 144.

- That is great! - responds Albert. - We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!

Albert goes to another person and asks:

- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 51.

Albert responds:

- How about them, Cowboys?

Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
→ How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "no means no"?

Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team.

- It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents.

Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out:

- I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:

- I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately replies:

- No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says:

- thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter.

- Thank you - the golfer replied - but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?