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Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

- Hey, lady - yells Larry - Throw me the cat.

- No - she cries - It's too far.

- I play football, I can catch him.

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.

The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

- First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
→ When he's hanging by his teeth.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said:

- I see you were a golfer, is that correct?

- Yes, I am - he replied.

St Peter then said:

- Do you hit the ball a long way?

The golfer replied:

- You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?

Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
→ Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

- You can't keep him from playing! - the coach roared. - We won't win this weekend without him!

- I don't care - the dean said. - Things have gotten out of hand at this college.

- What do you mean, out of hand? - the coach demanded.

- I'll show you what I mean - the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said:

- Tell me, how much is six times seven?

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said:

- Thirty-one?

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

- Sorry, old man - Peter said - But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.

- Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain... - the old golfer blithered.

- Well - said Peter - You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office:

- We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...

- So - booms God - You've been taking my name in vain.

- Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

- But why? - they asked, as they moved off.

- Because - he said - I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
→ Never mind it's pointless.

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
→ Having arms and legs.

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?
→ Don King.

What do the Pope and the Giants have in common?
→ Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!!

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?
→ They're only good for one period and have no second string.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly…

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked:

- I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said:

- I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.

And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said:

- Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator.

The man said:

- Thank you

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:

- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

The man said:

- no.

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him:

Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?
→ She got her finger caught in a dike!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

- I've been stung by a wasp - she says.

- Where did it get you? - he replies.

- Between the 1st and 2nd hole.

- I think your stance must be a little too wide.

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

- Beating around the bush: 75

- Jumping to conclusions: 100

- Climbing the walls: 150

- Swallowing your pride: 50

- Passing the buck: 25

- Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight): 50-300

- Dragging your heels: 100

- Pushing your luck: 250

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come insideways.

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

- Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super.

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

- Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:

- What is that you just served?

The waiter replied:

- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

The American, though momentarily daunted, said:

- What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!

The waiter replied:

- I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your…