Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
- Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled:
- Who turned on the fucking lights!
- Oh, no sir - the nearest flight attendant replied.
- Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him:
- Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.
Steve says:
- Will that keep me from getting sick?
The doctor says:
- No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.
BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.
- Who turned on the fucking lights? - a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character.
- These are the breakfast lights, sir - she answered with forced sweetness.
- The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab:
- They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
- And what's so funny?!? - the New Yorker demands.
- Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said:
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
- Do you always carry such heavy luggage? - she sighed.
- No more - the man said.
- Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
→ They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
→ With a fishing pole!
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:
- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.
She says:
- Why all the clocks in the window?
And he says:
- And what should I have in my window?
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
- RS: Ow July den?
- G: What??
- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?
- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.
- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
- How awful ! - exclaimed the wife.
- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity - added the husband.
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says:
- Hey Paco, you shit your pants?
Paco says:
- No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants.
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says:
- Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?
Paco says:
- Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants.
He says:
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:
- Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
- Where's my change? - asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds:
- Change must come from within.
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says:
- Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?
Watson yawns and tries to play the game:
- Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny.
- No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent.
Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask:
- How do you keep your cigarettes dry?
Her answer:
- I put them inside of a condom.
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks:
- What size? - one of the ladies says.
- It should fit a Camel.
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said:
- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess:
- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The stewardess asked:
- Did your mother tell you to ask me?
The boy said that she had. She then said:
- Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:
- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
The agent replied:
- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to…
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.
At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.
When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said:
- I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck.
- Where's George? - one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.
- He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.
