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The company sergent is briefing the recruits:"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so youknow what that makes you..."

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a groupof new troops on making a proper jump. He told them:

- When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up,you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane.

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and beganshoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked himin the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the…

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant:

- I think I'll just go and shoot myself.

The sergeant said:

- Better take a couple of extra bullets!

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure:

- You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up.

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said:

- I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!

It was the age when knighthood was in flower.

A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked:

- What are you doing?

The first one answered:

- I'm making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him:

- Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Private Duncan replied:

- Sure.

The Corporal turned red. He said:

- That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?

Private Duncan replied:

- No, SIR!

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

- Sergeant-Major! - the colonel shouted.

- Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

- Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave - the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

- Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.

- And on the third day... - he began.

- No! no! start with the first day - Everyone yells out in chorus.

- And on the third day - the private continues - she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom...

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find…

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

- Oh - he mused - It was 1945.

- Isn't that a long time to go without sex? - the doctor asked.

- I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.

Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
→ So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!

What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
→ Platoon

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the…

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

- Scared, Lieutenant? - I asked.

He replied:

- No, just a bit apperhensive.

I asked:

- What's the diffrence??

He replied:

- That means I'm scared with a university education.

Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
→ It's harder to pick up.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking:

- What time is it?

The tower responded:

- Who is calling?

The aircraft replied:

- What difference does it make?

The tower replied:

- It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt! And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both…

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

- So, did you jump? - the father asked.

- Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!

- Is that when you jumped? - asked the father.

- Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew:

- What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the…

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the…

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!.

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.

Don't you agree?

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

- Sorry sir - said one of the loafers - but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way.

The C.O. turned to his driver and said:

- Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said:

- Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.

If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.