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A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said - which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man:

- Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied:

- Naw, these are soybeans.

- You don't understand - said the preacher.

- Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said:

- Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer:

- Are you lost?

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

- Pa, the chickens got loose - the boy confessed sadly - but I managed to find all twelve of them.

- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.

- You left with seven.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him:

- Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies:

- I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

- How? - asks the man, puzzled.

- Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.

- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered - I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she. How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the…

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:

- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied:

- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775

1. Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2. Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3. Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4. The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5. Marines don't wear dungarees.
6. Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and…

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

- You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay - said the officer.

- All right, sir - said the bright soldier - I'll take the money.

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

- What a great realist that painter is! - he exclaimed.

- What painter?

- The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'.

- Yes, but something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!

- That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class:

- Anyone knows the formula for water?

- Sure. That's easy - said one man.

- What is it?

- H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.

- What, what? - reasked the instructor.

- H to O - explained the chemistry expert.

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess:

- What's that stuff on those hills?

- Just snow - replied the stewardess.

- That's what I thought - said the lady - but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

- Say, friend - called out one of the men - how far is it to the next town?

- Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon - called back the rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

- How far to the next town? - the men asked him eagerly.

- Oh, a good two miles.

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher.

- Hey, how far's the next town?

- Not far - was the encouraging answer - only about two miles.

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

- "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

- "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

- "A room temperature IQ."

- "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

- "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

- "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

- "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

- "Bright as Alaska in December."

- "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

- I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle - he explained. Now begin!

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

- Why did you stop. Smith? - demanded the officer.

- If you please, sir - said Smith - I'm freewheeling for a while.

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said:

- Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition.

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student:

- Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?

- We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left! - explained the student.

A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.

- Are you hurt? - asked another.

- I don't know yet - a weak voice was heard - am still falling!

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army.

- My sergeants are wonderful - said one soldier.

- I wish I could say the same about mine - said the other.

- You could if you could lie as I do.

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed:

- Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

- Don't worry - the general said. Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water.

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

- That's the only way to command respect in the Army - his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

- Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope - Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

- I am a sergeant! - he bellowed.

- I am a dope - whispered Reggie.

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said:

- those are deer tracks.

The second Marine said:

- No, those are elk tracks.

The third Marine said:

- You're both wrong, those are moose tracks.

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained:

- I have an inferiority complex.

- Nothing I can do for you - said the doc.

- In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior...

An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain:

- When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike.

- Well, I don't think much of it either - replied the GI.