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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
11. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
12. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
13. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
14. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
15. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
16. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
17. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:

- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?

The man gets really indignant and says:

- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver.

- but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
21. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
22. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
23. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
24. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
25. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
26. Bad cop. No donut.
27. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
28. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked:

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- NO!!! - exclaimed the nurse.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed:

- Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.

- What's the problem? - the doctor inquired.

- Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.

- My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three…

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.

The others agreed.

Then one said:

- Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed:

- I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.

The second psychiatrist said:

- I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said:

- That's me, and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

- Doc - he said - I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!

- Just put yourself in my hands for two years - said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

- How much do you charge?

- A hundred dollars per visit.

- I'll sleep on it - said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

- Why didn't you ever come to see me again? - asked the psychiatrist.

- For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.

- Is that so! How?

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:

- I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to - one staffer notes.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied:

- Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied:

- Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1:

- If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

- Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?

- It's very simple. You're two tents.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.

- Well, I, uh, - she stammered.

- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.

- I see - he said.

- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.

- That's not bad - she replied.

- How much for all night?

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman:

- Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?

- Why do you want me to throw them at you?

- Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.

- Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.

- But why?

- Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.

When Fishermen Meet

- Hiyamac

- Lobuddy

- Binearlong?

- Coplours

- Cetchenny?

- Goddafew

- Kindarthay?

- Bassencarp

- Ennysizetoom?

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit…

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.

- Oh.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said:

- The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they…

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman:

- That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says:

- Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?

The other guy says:

- Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other:

- This is the place!

The other replied:

- No, it's not!

The first man said:

- Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied: