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British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant:

- Can I help you sergeant?

The TSGT said:

Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.

- What made you join the Army? - asked one.

- Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time.

Little Willie asked his mother:

- Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?

- Of course they do! - protested his mother.

- What makes you ask?

- There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards.

- Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave.

The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully:

- Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men.

- What is it - the officer got interested.

- Two hundred soldiers.

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively:

- Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.

- By shooting? - reasked the company commander.

- Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency:

- This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle.

Little grandson asked:

- Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?

- I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

- My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?

- Yes - said the Navy brat.

- My dad has built them.

Then the naval kid spoke:

- And do you know the Dead Sea?

- Yes.

- It's my dad who's killed it!

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single…

DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.

When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.

- I don't see why I have to show you my ID - the pilot snapped.

- After all, it is my plane.

- Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane - replied Jim.

- but it's sitting in my garage!

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we…

The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.

THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.

Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.

It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship…

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin
11. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker
12. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"
13. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles
14. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military

9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
10. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
11. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
12. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
13. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
14. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
15. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
16. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
17. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said:

- Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

- What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?

- Throw out an anchor, sir - the student replied.

- What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?

- Throw out another anchor, sir.

- And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then? - asked the captain.

- Throw out another anchor, sir.

- Hold on - said the captain.

- Where are you getting all those anchors from?

- From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

- That's no problem, son - said the sergeant.

- Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.

- But what about a bayonet, Sarge? - asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.

- Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom:

- Bangety Bang Bang!

The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck…

- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: Sure, buddy.

- Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

- Soldier: No, SIR!

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was:

- Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked:

- So? What did you do?

- We just shut down two engines.

The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.

Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"
Pravda: "Big Red Victory."
Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"
Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"
Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"
The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked:

- How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered:

- A basketball coach?

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said:

- Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.

- What seems to be the problem? - the doctor asked.

- Well, I, uh - she stammered.

- I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.

- I see - he said.

- I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.

- That's not bad - she replied.

- How much for all night?