An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
- Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.
In a short time he received the following reply:
- Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
- Watson, look up. What do you see?
- Well, I see thousands of stars.
- And what does that mean to you?
- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?
- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend:
- Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow.
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend:
- Did you mark that spot?
His friend replied:
- Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.
The first one said:
- You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father:
- How does this boat float?
The father replied:
- Don't rightly know son.
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked:
- How do fish breath underwater?
Once again the father replied:
- Don't rightly know son.
A little later the boy asked his father:
- Why is the sky blue?
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.
While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a…
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:
- when did you bag him?
The host said:
- that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.
- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.
- My wife.
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
- Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !! - the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
- Well, son - said the Game Warden.
- You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid…
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:
- You skin this one while I go and get another!
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly:
- I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?
- Of course - the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything…
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued…
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
- Are there any gators around here?!
- Naw - the man hollered back - they ain't been around for years!
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy:
- How'd you get rid of the gators?
- We didn't do nothin' - the beachcomber said.
- The sharks got 'em.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:
- Pull, Nellie, pull.
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered:
- Pull, Buster, pull.
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded:
- Pull, Jennie, pull.
Nothing.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
- That's a lot of chicks - commented the proprietor.
- I mean business - the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again.
- I need another 100 chicks - he said.
- Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming - the man told him.
- Yeah - the yuppie replied.
- If I can iron out a few problems.
- Problems? - asked the proprietor.
- Yeah - replied the yuppie - I think I planted that last batch too close together.
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads:
- WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:
- NOW THERE ARE TWO!
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
- Your trouble is probably in the carburetor - said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
- Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye? - asked the farmer.
- Yes, yes - the man replied.
- Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie - said the farmer.
- She doesn't know a thing about cars.
Politicians accident
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer:
- Were they all dead?
The old farmer replied:
- Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said:
- You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer:
- When do you have time to plough your land? At night?
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:
- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks:
- And what are those?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look:
- Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said:
- That's once.
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said:
- That's twice.
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him:
- That was an awful thing to do.
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
- Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses. - explained the driver.
- What did you tell the farmer? - Limbaugh asked.
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
- Where can I buy one? - he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
- I'll take him - says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
- Sure.
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says:
- sorry, bad news.
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.
- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.
- No thanks - said the young man.
- My father wouldn't like it.
- Don't be silly - the minister said.
- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:
- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!
- Well - replied the young farmer - he's under the load of hay.
