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What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
→ Put the remote between his toes.

How do men exercise at the beach?
→ By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
→ A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

What did God say after he created man?
→ I can do better than this!

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
→ E.T. phoned home!

What's a man's idea of housework?
→ Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

How are men and parking spots alike?
→ The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
→ They are both empty from the neck up!

Why are blond jokes so short?
→ So men can remember them!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ Bonds mature!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
→ Gifted!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
→ They are too hard to peel!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp…

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention…

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

- A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

- A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

- When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

- A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

- A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

- A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
→ without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
→ We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
→ you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
→ I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
→ Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

Advice From Men To Women...

- Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...

- If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....

- Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....

- Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....

- Please don't drive when you're not driving....

- Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....

- The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...

How to be politically correct with women

- She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

- She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

- She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

- She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

- She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

- She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.