New Summer Seminars for Women
- The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
- Life Beyond Shoes
- Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
- How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
- Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
- How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
- How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
- Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
- How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a…
The top six reasons computers must be female:
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday Night Football.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window, asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7-11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
- A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
- Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
- When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
- A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
- A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
- A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
- You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
- A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
- A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
Reasons why it's great to be a woman
- Free drinks.
- Free dinners.
- Free movies.
- Speeding ticket? What's that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
- If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
Continuing Education Courses for Women
- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
- Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
- Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
- Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
- Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
- Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
- Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
→ You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:
- GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
- GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
- GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
- GE104: How to Parallel Park
- GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
- GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
- GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Argument (ar·gyou·ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er·hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar·bi·q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant·e·lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri·yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy·it so·da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.
A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a…
In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.
Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.
Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne's arrest record.
FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.
Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.
James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery work and had to drink before each job.
For what was to be the pair's last job, he got fall-down drunk and had to be carried by Shoesmith into the bank to pull off the heist. The two were soon captured.
Raleigh, N.C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled.
Because he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.
The Associated Press reported that the village of Sodom, Conn., disappeared, like its biblical namesake.
Though it appears on maps, the AP writer interviewed residents of Sodom Road and the Sodom Corner intersection, both hallmarks of the village of Sodom, and discovered that everyone claims now to live in North Canaan.
A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.
Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men.
The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
