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- Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?

- No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ...:

- Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!

- Well, Paddy my lad - said Seamus.

- why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you.

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a…

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams:

- Spit it out! Spit it out!

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and…

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

10. Read less.
11. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
12. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
13. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
14. Procrastinate more.
15. Drink. Drink some more.
16. Start being superstitious.
17. Spend more time at work.
18. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

RESOLUTION #1:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in - and visa versa.
6. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
7. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I'm in a bad mood)
8. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
16. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
17. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
20. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
21. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
22. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
23. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
24. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
17. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
18. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply:

- LOL... LOL!

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
14. I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
15. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
16. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say:

- See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say:

- I'm thankful I didn't get caught

and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.

Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.

Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people…

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

- Please let me in - says the man desperately.

- I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.

- Okay - says the butcher.

- Let me see what I have left.

He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

- That's one is too skinny. What else you got? - says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

- Oh, no - says the man.

- That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:

- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.

- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.

- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

- Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey! - said the daughter.

- Did it not taste good? - her mother asked.

- I don't know - the blonde said.

- It wouldn't sit still!

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!