The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
- Now don't let me ever see your face again - said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
- I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir - said the released man.
- And why not?
- Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!
- Young man - said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.
- It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!
- I'm glad to hear you say that - replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.
- Everybody else says it's all my fault!
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
- Aidan - said the neighbor.
- I never knew you were so strong.
- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.
Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ It has a 12 month waiting list.
What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
→ A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
→ Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
→ Because they're always a little short.
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
→ He's Dublin over with laughter!
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
- Hooray! - shouted the guide.
- Here comes man's best friend!
- Yeah - said Mulvaney.
- An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the…
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish…
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down:
- What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?
- Why, Dad - said Frances.
- Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!
- Well, next time - roared Phelan.
- just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully…
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot)
Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says:
- Jazus Mick... Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!.
Mick says to Paddy:
- No Problem... Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
- OK! - says Paddy.
- Where are we then?
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:
- Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just…
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.
- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.
- Shure now, we have a carport.
The solicitor tried again:
- Well, does the man beat you up?
- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.
- Oi'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:
- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.
Five minutes later he said:
- Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.
A moment later:
- Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder:
- Hey - said a new arrival in the pub.
- I've got some great Irish jokes.
- Before you start - said the big bloke in the corner.
- I'm Irish.
- Don't worry - said the newcomer.
- I'll tell them slowly.
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up:
- You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.
- I'm sorry sir, I...
- Not you - says the Irishman.
- I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply:
- For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
- Just plant your potatoes.
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
- I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total - says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says:
- I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said:
- I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
The Doctor was puzzled.
- Doctor: I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.
- Mahoney: Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.
