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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will…
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him:
- You need to join the Army of the Lord!
- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor - My friend replied.
- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? - Pastor questioned.
- I'm in the secret service. - He whispered back.
- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
- Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
- I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'
- But why? - asks the man.
- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband:
- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?
- You'll know tonight - he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream:
- YO! Keep it down!
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him:
- It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo.
- Jones: The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Year's Day.
- Smith: So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese don't have a Christmas the week before!
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him:
- You need to join the Army of the Lord!
- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor - Jack replied.
- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? - Pastor questioned.
- I'm in the secret service. - He whispered back.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner:
- What are you charged with?
- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.
- That's no offense - said the judge.
- How early were you doing this shopping?
- Before the store opened.
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
Windows 95 for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says:
- Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly.
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap:
- Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? - Santa yells.
The inspector says:
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
- That's a bit much - said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
- Thats still quite a bit - Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift compiling stats,
Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter!
I opened the door with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious…
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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
- Why are you crying? - the father asked.
