These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
- The effects are fleeting and lingering... - Overheard in a hallway
- In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
- A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. - Announcer on KZOK radio
- He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful! - CBS baseball announcer
- An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. - Irish Politician on RTE radio
- This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. - BBC world service.
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
- Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.
- Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this. - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
- Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes. - Ian St John, ITV
- Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game. - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.
- Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline? - Cliff Morgan, BBC…
A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
The incredibly dumb ATT fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Really Stupid People
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man…
Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It…
Stupid people
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing…
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
- Sure - GOD says.
- Go right ahead.
- OK - the man says.
- Why did you make women so pretty?
GOD says:
- So you would like them.
- OK - the guy says.
- But how come you made them so beautiful?
- So you would LOVE them - GOD replies.
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:
- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:
- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said:
- Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.
The Lawyer said:
- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel:
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a…
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying:
- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie.... Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked:
- How many times did you cheat on your wife?
The first man replied:
- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.
The Lord replied:
- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked:
- How many times did you cheat on your wife?
