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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy.

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. - You'll find them easily - he says.

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says:

- Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!

The man says:

- There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse…

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said:

- Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.

Satan agreed.

The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

- Satan! - beckoned God.

- You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

- Yeah? What if I don't? - replied the devil.

- I'll sue you if I have to - answered God.

Satan greets him:

- Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says:

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

- I was a good father - he answers.

- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says:

- No, please show me the next room.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says:

- I'll choose this room.

Satan says O.K.

The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea…

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic.

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!

And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone…

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said:

- God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?

God replied:

- Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling:

- God, God, they're gone, they're gone!

- Who, the New Yorkers?

- No, the Pearly Gates.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks:

- Religion?

The man says:

- Methodist.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says:

- Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

- Religion?

- Baptist.

- Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him:

- Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman!!

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper.

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper.

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates.

- Who goes there? - inquired St. Peter.

- It's me, Bill Clinton.

- What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered:

- Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied:

- OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to got to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor:

- what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor:

- you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her:

- you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man:

- what did you do?

The man hung his head and replied:

- I ran a large HMO.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:

- I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says:

- WHAT???

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so…