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- If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

- You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

- A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

- You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

- They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

- You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

- You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

- Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

- Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

- You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

- At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

- You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

- You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

- They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

- You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

- Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

- Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

- I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

- I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

- Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can't take the credit.

- This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

- Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm.

- Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

- I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

- We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

- Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?

- $HOME = /dev/null.

- 3K RAM free, no EMS.

- A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

- A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

- A 20th century man... The guy has no future.

- A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.

- A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.

- A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A couplet short of a sonnet.

- A few guppies short of an aquarium.

- A few inches short of a foot/yard.

- A few kernels short of an ear.

- A few kopeks short of a ruble.

- A few links shy of a chain.

- A few measures short of a staff.

- A few open splices.

- A few peas short of a pod/casserole.

- A few pickles short of a jar.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A medical mystery.

- A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits

- A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.

- A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.

- A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill

- A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

- A notch off the timing mark.

- A one-bit brain with a parity error.

- A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.

- All booster, no payload.

- All crown, no filling.

- All foam, no beer.

- All hammer, no nail.

- All hat and no cattle.

- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

- All his eggs in the same basket.

- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

- All icing, no cake.

- All lime and salt, no tequila.

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.

- Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.

- Answers the door when the phone rings.

- Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac

- As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.

- As bent as a corkscrew.

- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

- As happy as if he had brains.

- As happy as the village idiot.

- Batteries not included.

- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

- Been playing with his wand too much.

- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

- Been short on oxygen one time too many.

- Been using her head as a mass driver.

- Blew his O-rings.

- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.

- Blown/leaking head gasket.

- Calls people to ask them their phone number.

- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.

- Can easily be confused with facts.

- Can only remember her old passwords.

- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.

- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.

- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.

- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.

- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

- Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

- Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

- Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

- Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.

- Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

- CPU is always in powersave mode.

- CPU not connected to the bus.

- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

- Cranio-rectally inverted.

- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.

- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

- Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing

- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.

- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.

- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

- Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

- Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

- Failed the Turing test.

- Fell out of the family tree.

- Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.

- Finds a flat by swapping tires.

- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

- Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

- Gets his orders from another planet.

- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.

- Gets parity errors under load.

- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

- Goalie for the dart team.

- God might still use him for miracle practice.

- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

- Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.

- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.

- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

- Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.

- Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.

- Has change for a seven dollar bill.

- Has FINO (first in never out) memory.

- Has his brain on cruise control again.

- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

- Has it floored in neutral.

- Has no discretionary intellect.

- Has no upper stage.

- He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.

- He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.

- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

- He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.

- He writes blank checks on a closed account.

- He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to

- He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.

- He's a General Protection Fault trigger.

- He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.

- He's diagnosable.

- Her learning curve is fractal.

- Her lint trap is full.

- Her lists are unlinked.

- Her memory is truly random-access.

- Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.

- Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

- Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.

- Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.

- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

- His brain could be the perfect dielectric.

- His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.

- His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.

- His buffer is full.

- His clutch is slipping.

- His data bus stops for red lights.

- His deck has no face cards.

- His elevator is stuck between floors.

- His face is on a coin... On the edge.

- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

• His pointers are null / uninitialized.
• His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
• His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
• His root file system isn't mounted.
• His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
• His shared libraries aren't installed.
• His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
• His spark can't jump the gap.
• His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
• His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.

- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.

- If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

- If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.

- If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

- If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.

- If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

• In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
• In need of a ROM upgrade.
• In serious need of attitude adjustment.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
• In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
• Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
• Infinite space between her ears.
• Informationally deprived.
• Inhabits her own private timezone.
• Inspected by #13.

• Lights not burning too bright.
• Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
• Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
• Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
• Likes dunking for french fries.
• Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
• Lives in La-la-land.
• Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
• Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
• Long on dry wall, short on studs.

• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.

• Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
• Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
• Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
• Not done evolving yet.
• Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
• Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
• Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
• Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
• Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
• Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.

• Off by one.
• Off his rocker/trolley.
• Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
• On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
• On the batting end of a no-hitter.
• One bit short of a byte/word.
• One board short of a porch.
• One boot stuck in the sand.
• One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
• One bun/donut short of a dozen.