Latest

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:

- Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?

- Not at all, Ma'am - the manager replied.

- It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.

10. Cats' facial expressions
11. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
12. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
13. Fat clothes
14. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
15. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
16. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
17. Eyelash curlers
18. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and…

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said:

- Ooh dad, there's one.

- No - said the father.

- There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said:

- Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.

- No - the father said.

- We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said:

- Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

- That's okay, honey - I said.

- You still have me.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

- Yes - she wailed.

- but you don't work either!

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

What did God say after creating Adam?
→ I must be able to do better than that.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
→ They won't stop to ask for directions.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
→ So men can be open minded.

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses.

- You know, honey - she said sweetly.

- Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.

- Honey - he replied with a grin.

- Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different…

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out..

- Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

- Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!

- That's great - his wife said.

- Yeah, I thought so too - he agreed.

- You start on Monday.

HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window. Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air. Pulls up to a 7 -11. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits…

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say:

- I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say:

- Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair.

Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:

- I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:

- Mama needs new clothes!

Then she hollered:

- YES! YES! I WON! I WON!

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:

- What did she roll?

The other answered:

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.

A wife complains:

- A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

Her husband mumbled:

- Clock always was slow.

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply..

- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I…

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. The Dr. said:

- Here's the problem.

- He needs to be changed!

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived…

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked:

- Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?

Looking her over carefully, Harold replied:

- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Harold interrupted.

- I haven't added them up yet.

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair