An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
- What's your problem, Soldier?
- Chronic syphilis, Sir!
- What treatment are you getting?
- Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!
- What's your ambition?
- To get back to the front lines, Sir!
- Good man!
He goes to the next bed.
- What's your problem, Soldier?
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said:
- Son, come here.
He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:
- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
- How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said:
- Let's get off the corner people.
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
- I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:
- Well, how did I do?
- Pretty good, especially since this is a bus stop! - chuckled the vet.
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
- Listen - said the shoplifter.
- I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said:
- This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:
- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:
- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks:
- And what are those?
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look:
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said:
- You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you…
Even more clues you could be a Redneck...
- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
- You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
- You think the Bud Bowl is real.
- Your dog goes "oink!"
- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
- Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
- You know how to milk a goat.
- Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
- Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
- Thank you - he said.
- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.
- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...
- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds:
- I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.
An Irish boy put his hand up and said:
- It was St. Patrick.
The teacher said:
- Sorry Sean, that's not correct.
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:
- It was St. Andrew.
The teacher replied:
- I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said:
- Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said:
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks:
- where do you want it, front or back?
With the hunchback still dead, and his no-armed replacement still dead, the church leader still needs a bell ringer. He posts a sign outside the church and another no-armed man shows up to take the job.
The frustrated church leader says:
- The last no-armed guy died trying to ring this bell, what makes you think you can do it?
The no-armed man says:
- I've been without my arms since birth and therefore have much more experience. Besides, I desperately need the job to feed my family.
The church leader, feeling sorry for the man, says:
- OK give it a try.
And, as expected, the no-armed man tries to pull the rope with his teeth, stumbles and falls to his death.
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said:
- Sugar, sugar?
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked:
- Honey, honey?
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said:
- Ham, pig?
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says:
- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says:
- Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says:
There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.
A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.
They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.
They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief nods and simply says:
- Yes...seen plane crash
When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed:
- We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!
Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
- It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked:
- Honey, are you feeling all right?
- Not really - the blonde replied.
- I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.
- Poor dear - Mom said.
- Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?
- I couldn't - she replied.
- there was no one there.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said:
- Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.
He said:
- Certainly, honey - and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise:
- Say - said the druggist.
- aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?
- Yes, I am - said the officer.
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:
- A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments:
- See! That was more than 5 times a month!
The second bull is to be sold:
- Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.
Again the wife bugs her husband:
- Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks:
- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
- W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The teacher says:
- Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:
- Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.
Teacher says:
- Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:
- Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.
Teacher says:
- Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.
- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!
- What's come over you?
- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!
- I'll deal with you later.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!
- I see your point.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!
- Pull yourself togerther man!
- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!
As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson...
3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put.
214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.
1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
